Mike’s Funny Stuff Blog

TELL THESE TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH……AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

- David Bissonette

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- Sacha Guitry

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

- Hemant Joshi

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

- Dumas

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The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

- Sigmund Freud

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

- Anonymous

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“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

- Henny Youngman

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“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

- Sam Kinison

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“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

- James Holt McGavran

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“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

- Patrick Murray

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

- Nash

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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

- Anonymous

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

- Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

- Milton Berle

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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

- Anonymous

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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

- Anonymous

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First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: “Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.  The child Should be in my custody. ”

The judge turned to the husband and said: “What do you have to Say in your defense?”

The man sat for a while contemplating…then slowly rose. “Your Honor… If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out…

Whose Pepsi is it… The machine’s or mine?“

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says, “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ”Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says,”Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

A man reluctantly attends his laywer’s funeral expecting to be one of the one people there, and is suprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this lawyer’s funeral?” he asks.

A man turns towards him and says, “We”re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”

“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”